At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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