Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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