Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
