I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I forget how to act sober
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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