i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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