Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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