Who wears a wallet chain?!
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
