we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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