Fine. I'll sleep in my office
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize