it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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