90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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