I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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