I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
