WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize