omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
