Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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