Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize