I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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