I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
