rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
