oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
