Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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