Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
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