don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
