Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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