I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
