Pappa wants mamma naked
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
