Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
