why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
