I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
