paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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