his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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