I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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