me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
