just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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