he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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