I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Randomize