fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
