i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
