I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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