why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
