That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Someone came in the potted fern
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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