So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
