If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Just pee around me
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
