dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
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