you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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