you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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