the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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