I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
