They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Randomize
