I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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