Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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