its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
