When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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