I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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