a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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