it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
